my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
