I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I skipped work to stalk him.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize