when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Hippo gnu deer
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
