okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
