I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
