I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
