I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I want to be your penis for a week.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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