this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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