New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
