In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
