I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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