Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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