I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Randomize
