I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
In other news, I just burned my penis
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
