weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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