I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
