and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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