worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
