I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
