The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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