my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
