peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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