Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
