She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
