meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
