last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
