Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
