Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
