i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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