What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
