If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
