She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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