Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
