Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
