My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
