I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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