This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
