I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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