I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
