The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
