we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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