Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
