The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
