Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Randomize
