People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
