I just saw a hot homeless man
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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