Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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