My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
