This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
