i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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