Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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