I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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