false alarm. still invincible.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
