Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
dude. I can hear the air.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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