you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
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They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
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sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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