I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
