Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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