I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
