Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
