I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
