Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
