We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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