bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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