My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
