I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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