When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
